What it takes…Que Sera Sera

I decided to try something a little different today.

I am doing a blog post prior to doing my FB Live. Please do check it out later today it will be up by 2pm and you can view on my facebook page if we are friends, if we are not personal friends you can view it on A Mom With Musings FB page and please hit that follow button while you’re there.

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I’ve been doing a little bit of thinking. Well, a lot actually. As I have mentioned on my FB Live before, I usually jam out to some music before I go live because I really don’t like being on camera. But I am a talker as you all know, and I do feel that doing the “lives” may help drive traffic to this site, which after all is the ultimate goal for me. Listening to music not only gets me motivated and confident enough to go “live” but it also gets me thinking…sometimes it’s Outkast, Eminem, Pink, Dave Matthews, Billy Joel even Frank Sinatra…it depends on what I am feeling. Today it was Eminem, Imagine Dragons and Doris Day. Que Sera Sera. It’s not easy to do this every day. Honestly, it’s exhausting, and that’s sort of what this blog post is about. What it takes.

Most days I am up at 6:30am walking the dog. I get my son up at 7am and off to school by 8am. Then I get myself my coffee, hopefully some breakfast of some kind, though I often forget to eat. Get showered or cleaned up, dressed and right at it. I start viewing stats from the day before, start viewing other social media accounts that I follow, look for what’s going on, what’s doing, what’s interesting. Sometimes I have a laugh, and sometimes something will get me teared up, sometimes both, it’s different each morning. Usually by then it’s about 10am or so and I get set up to do my “live”, then what follows are my other appearances on other platforms to promote this blog and finally the post for the day in the form of word or video. By the time everything has been looked over and edited it’s time to go take the dog for a walk and pick up my son from school…then we are off to the races. Get home, take the dog out, get my son to change clothes, start the homework, snack given, start dinner, check the homework, feed the dog, feed the family, get the kid off to bed (shower if needed), dog walked again and put to bed and then exhaustion and silence. ( I should mention all the domestic things I manage between all of this, dishes, laundry, cleaning, grocery shopping, kissing boo boo’s or disciplining etc.)

Am I complaining? NO. I am just trying to explain what it takes to do this day after day. At night I usually try to play some Nintendo to relax before bed, (love Animal Crossing for this) but at the same time from the minute I post my blog for the day I am absolutely obsessing over the stats. How many views did my “live” get, how many visits to my page, how many followers, how many subscribers, how many views and visits to my post. It is ALWAYS on my mind to the point that I often think of nothing else, unless it has to do with my family of course.

I am grateful to be in a position to re-invent myself. I am also grateful to have such a loving and supporting husband and son. But…with that gratefulness and support also come doubt and second guessing myself…I mean hardcore. Wondering…is this worth it? Should I keep going? How long before I see real results and impact? Am I doing it all wrong? Am I a crappy writer, mom, wife…person? Yes, eventually the doubts start to creep in and attack the core of who I am. Re-inventing yourself isn’t easy. Choosing a hard path and sticking to it is a daunting task.

Everyday I stare at my computer as though it is my foe and I need to plan my attack for the day. How will I conquer the interwebs today? How will I do this and keep my sanity, and keep up with all of my other responsibilities as well? Is this even possible? I don’t know. I don’t know if it is, I don’t know if I am good enough. I don’t know when things will begin to really click, no pun intended. When will I see that traffic to my site, when will I see the feedback, the comments, hell…even my first troll, lol.

This is what goes through my mind each and every day. Should I just go out there and get some 9-5 job somewhere doing something I will likely hate, but be easier than this?

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I think the answer is no. (for now) I think we spend a third of our lives working, a third of it sleeping, and a third of it living, if we are lucky. Squeezing every bit of life into that third, every joy, every memory, every single special moment. So I suppose as far as the third we do for work, it should damn well be something we love. That is the approach I am taking at the moment. For the first time in my life, I am not going to settle. I am not going to accept something else because it is easier and profitable. If I do, I am letting myself down and showing my son, it’s okay to give up chasing your dreams. Mine is to be a writer. I have been published, sure. YEARS ago. I almost don’t even count it, though my husband does, to his credit. He reminds me I AM a writer already, I just need to get back to it.

I am taking a deep breath as I write this. Somewhat exasperated somewhat relieved to get this off my chest and partly in dread of my to-do-list for the rest of the day. Not because I don’t enjoy it, I do. It’s just very difficult to wake up and face that mountain each day. To keep climbing, to keep dreaming, to keep pushing and plodding forward no matter the fatigue, no matter the other duties I am responsible for, no matter the doubt. The last being the most difficult.

So, there you have it. Straight from the heart. What it takes. What it takes for me to get the courage, the energy and the will to persist and pursue this dream. I’ve always said from the beginning, you will get the real me here. The truth as I see it, no nonsense. Somedays I may bare my soul. Sometimes I will just be silly and sometimes talk about my crazy life as it happens. Some posts may be about very serious topics to me and some will be about dingleberries and sore throats.

In any case, it’s all me, straight from the heart.

Thanks for stopping by, please feel free to comment, please don’t forget to subscribe if you haven’t and follow me on the interwebs. It is greatly appreciated and means more than you can know.

Until tomorrow…Cheers.

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